[For Dani]

[fifthbeatle]

The sun is out. There's no denying that sunlight has an important place in her life. The Academy was always cold and dark; the building's great halls had very few windows. Vanya's bedroom had none at all. If she risks thinking back, that is what was in her head when she blew the place up room by room. She was raised in a prison of body and mind. From the dull echoes of her bare bedroom walls to soundless padding of her basement cell, hers had been a life of cold and shadow. Of course the skies darken when she loses control, pouring down her misery and rage. The sun bring promise. Seeing it reassures her. It looks back at her and assures her that she's still in control.

All of this comfort has brought her clear across town, far away from Hargreeves House. The promise of a cool used book store with books of unknown origin carries her neatly across the park. She's got the sun on her side and her violin strapped around her chest. Somehow, weeks after she picked up the well-worn instrument whose bowstokes can bring her back from the brink, she found the perfect case. It's got a cross-body strap like she likes, and not very bulky. Being as small as she is, she has to shop small, as well, lest she look like a pack mule.

New Leaf is exactly what she wants it to be. The second she swings the door open, the smell of dust and paper warms into her like the first hums of a freshly-tuned instrument. A small, quiet smile just barely curves the corner of her lips. She drinks the place in. Stacks upon stacks of untold wonders are before her. A man stands at the counter saying something. The tone strikes her unpleasantly, but she can't quite notice yet. A stack of who-knows-what by the door calls to her. The topmost book is called What I Love About Used Book Stores. Her smile widens. This is where she belongs.

Comments

[feelheld]

Most of the time, Dani really likes working here. She can hang out with Maeve, which feels infinitely better than having to get to know a bunch of strangers, and it's quiet enough that she can often just sit and read — enough that, when the next school year starts at the university, she thinks she'll be able to get some studying or homework done, if she works up to doing all of that again. So far, she's still undecided, but having a little bit of something like routine helps, makes her feel more like she might just be capable of doing it. Those first months — god, so much longer now than she'd realized — she couldn't do much more than drift, but this is a step forward, and a good one.

Then again, most of the time, there aren't customers like this one, a guy who she'd gotten bad vibes from as soon as he walked in, only to be proven right when he came over to the counter. The door opening and someone else coming in is a welcome potential reprieve, and she just barely manages not to outright sigh in hopeful relief. "Just a second, please," she says to the man, with a tight-lipped smile, the best customer service expression she can summon up, turning then towards the newcomer in the entryway. "Hey, can I help you find anything?" she calls.

She really, really hopes the answer is yes. Despite her best efforts, she thinks that might be a little obvious.

[fifthbeatle]

It's the sound of the woman's voice that pulls Vanya's eyes up from the book she's paging through. She recognizes it as something she's heard in her own voice: restrained and maybe anxious. She's coming toward Vanya and the guy is watching her closely. The faint vibration of the strike settling within the bell above the door taps a resonant cadence against the blast doors within her. If she's subtly narrowed her eyes at this man, she is unaware of it.

"Thanks, that would be great," Vanya says gently, almost a reassurance. If she were Klaus or Five or Allison, she might have said it a little louder so the man could hear, but she can't quite bring herself to that kind of thing. It wouldn't be right to be flippant after what she's done. Until she's got better control, it's best not to push her luck.

"Do you have sheet music? Maybe downstairs?" At the second part, she can't help but smile just a little, a little too conspiratorial to be sweet.

[feelheld]

Although the woman who's walked in is a stranger, Dani thinks she can read that look and the accompanying question instantaneously. She might be prone to self-doubt, but some things tend to speak for themselves, like the subtle code for getting out of uncomfortable situations with men. Being at work, she likes to think that she would have been fine — it's not like anything happened, anyway — but that doesn't mean she wants to deal with that particular type of asshole any longer than is strictly necessary. This provides her with the perfect excuse to get away for a while, and given that he's already paid, she just hopes he deems it not worth sticking around.

"We do, actually," she says, a flicker of relief in her expression, a silent thank you. "Let me show you." After taking a few steps, she glances over at the man at the counter. "I'm sorry, I need to help a customer," she tells him, not actually sorry at all, "but I hope you enjoy your book. Have a nice day."

[fifthbeatle]

A smile flicks similarly at Vanya's lips. It reminds her of something in particular: that look flying by Sissy's features quickly, but so intensely that she could see it across the distance of the table to the kitchen sink. This girl's expression approaches more relief than Sissy's could have ever hoped for in her life with Carl.

God, she misses her. It's best she not let her mind trek back to Dallas, a place she might have considered staying were she not a wanted fugitive and scary bisexual. Giver and taker of life. Part of a family. Out of time.

By the time Vanya's brain is done traveling through time, the girl is in front of her. She's only a few inches taller than Vanya, who is endeared by this and their silent solidarity.

"Thank you," Vanya says, heading for the stairs. If she's lucky, that's where the sheet music actually is. If she's not (and she rarely is), they can just hide out there for a bit.

They descend the stairs side-by-side. Vanya makes gentle small talk to drown out any protests that may come from this unruly customer they're leaving behind.

"How's your day been so far? Besides..." She jerks her head a little bit toward the top of the stairs from whence the came.

[feelheld]

At the obvious implication in the trailed-off question, Dani lets out a soft laugh, already more at ease now that she's got some distance from the predictably obnoxious customer. With any luck, he'll take the hint and be gone by the time she comes back upstairs, and she has every intention of dragging her heels and finding a way to keep busy in case he has any ideas about waiting around. Mostly, it's quiet here, and mostly, the people who come in are pleasant enough, but certain men have certain irritating demeanors everywhere, and there's always the occasional one who wears at her nerves.

The woman who's given her an excuse to leave seems entirely more pleasant, the understanding between them clear, or at least seemingly so to her. "It's been alright," she says, one corner of her mouth curling up a little. "He's been the worst part of it so far, which I guess is pretty good." Glancing over as they head down the stairs, she figures they have enough distance now that she can say what she was intending to communicate a moment ago. "Thank you. For the exit. He did not want to leave."

[fifthbeatle]

At that little laugh, Vanya can't help but smile. As far removed as she is from her life of solitude, a muscle memory of loneliness remains. In that lie of a life, she clung desperately to scraps of kindness, of attention, willing herself not to be disappointed when it was gone. The pills helped a lot with that. Some days, she misses the numbness - like right now, when she's ruminating on the beauty of this girl's smile right after she's been unduly advanced on by a classic creep. Real nice, Vanya.

"Of course," Vanya says to her thanks. As desperate as she was for attention, there are kinds no one ever wants. That guy may not have looked like the others she's met, but the feeling is the same. It can change the very air in the room. Down here, the vibe isn't so murky.

"I'm Vanya."

[feelheld]

Of course. It's simple, self-explanatory, or it comes across that way. Dani can't say it's the first time she's ever been in such a position, with the situation merely understood, but somehow she hadn't expected it, primed to have to explain her discomfort or say she didn't have any, preemptively convinced that she must have been overreacting. For such a small thing, there's an odd sort of reassurance in it now. Nothing happened, after all. No advances were made, no voices were raised, nothing untoward was said. It was just an uncomfortable vibe, one teeming with entitlement, and knowing that she wasn't the only one who saw it makes her feel more freely able to admit that to herself now.

"I'm Dani," she replies, smile a bit more relaxed when they reach the bottom of the stairs. "Are you really looking for sheet music?" She's not sure now if that was just an excuse to get her away or a very convenient request, but at least now they're in the clear regardless.

[fifthbeatle]

"Nice to meet you."

Something about Dani's question makes Vanya drop her head when she laughs. "Yeah," she says, tucking her hair behind her ears. Music is thing that's always been there for her, but to feel passionate about it - about anything - still makes her feel a little like she's breaking the rules.

Also, feelings are still so new. She didn't know how much playing music meant to her until she lashed out at her sister with her bow... and never once considered severing her tie to her violin. It's a part of her, maybe now more than ever. The instrument, its case strapped across her chest, is the link between the powers Vanya was imbued with and the power she gave herself all those evenings ago when she first began her violin study. People can see what it means to her. Unnerving for a person who is still figuring out what feeling things might be like at all.

"I'm looking for violin music," she says, finally looking up at her, then around at the stacks and rows around them. "I know it's a long shot. It doesn't have to be for violin, really. Anything would be fine."

[feelheld]

"You, too," Dani replies, finding that she means it, brief though their conversation may have been so far. Maybe it's just the instinctive camaraderie that comes from that sort of nonverbal communication, even with a stranger, or maybe it's just a general vibe, but it's nice all the same, a welcome break from customers like the one she had earlier. Most of the time, she likes her job. It's quiet here, she can hang out with Maeve when they're scheduled at the same time, and when the school year starts, if she does follow through with that, she'll be able to get some studying and homework done when it's not too busy. Every once in a while, though, she's reminded of just how frustrating, how tiring, it can be to work retail.

Right now, though, that's not a concern. The only difficulty is not wanting to go back upstairs to search on the computer to see if there's any violin music in stock. "We probably have something," she says, starting toward the shelf where the music is. "It's always sort of a tossup, but we don't get a lot of people who come in looking for music."

[fifthbeatle]

Vanya figures the place doesn't even have a computer system. Her impression is this is an uncurated treasure trove of well-loved, mysteriously-stocked artifacts, maybe even a place where books end up when people disappear. She'd be impressed to know there's a filing system. For now, she's pleased there doesn't seem to be.

"Uh- right here?" she asks, nodding to the section Dani seems to stop at. It's hard to tell what's what, but she can see a few names on familiar spines. "You -- you don't have to stay with me or anything. I'm sure you have work to do." If there's no way to look up what might be music or specifically violin - or whatever else - Vanya doesn't want this poor girl to think she has to help her. There are worse places she could be alone than in a stack of undiscovered books.

[feelheld]

"Right here," Dani confirms with a nod, then smiles a little. "And it's okay. I want to give it at least a few minutes before I go back up there, anyway. Make sure that guy doesn't get it in his head to stick around." She's not worried, exactly, didn't get such a skeevy vibe that she'd think he might try something, but that doesn't mean she wants to deal with that particular brand of bullshit any more than she already has. Besides, as much as she might like the quiet, it can sometimes be a little too quiet. Having some pleasant company is a welcome change of pace.

"I hope you can find something good," she adds, leaning against one of the shelves. "I haven't spent a lot of time in this section."

[fifthbeatle]

With a gentle tuck of her hair behind her ears, Vanya begins to scan through the shelves, digging in with her fingers when she finds looser pages, skipping over the anthologies she already knows nearly by heart. It's strange how many tomes of sheet music she already has: things that were supposedly difficult to find. Either this place is somehow providing the familiar, or dear ole' Dad was exaggerating. Both are equally possible.

A collection of pages ruffle themselves out between two books Vanya's displaced, she catches them and inspects them.

"Hey, maybe if he sticks around, he'll find a book about boundaries," Vanya posits dryly, her lips curling into a small half-smile.

[feelheld]

The comment draws a laugh out of Dani, soft but earnest, her mouth curling into a smile. "He could definitely use one," she says. "Oh, but he'd probably read it and not even realize that it all sounds exactly like him." She's known people like that. Her therapist has told her that she's particularly susceptible to people like that, that she needs to work on enforcing boundaries for herself. At least when it comes to obnoxious customers, she's better at not just giving in, even if she didn't speak up as much as she could have.

Her voice is a little softer as she glances at the sheet music, curious. "What are these? Do you know them?"

[fifthbeatle]

Vanya laughs in response because yeah, probably. When her first therapist told her about boundaries and that her family's were all messed up, she couldn't imagine trying to communicate that simple fact to any of them and having them hear her. Back then she told herself she was the problem, that they might hear it if the words came from someone else. Now she knows how deeply indoctrinated they all were. It's hard to learn your whole life is a lie, especially for six world-famous assholes.

She loves them immensely, and they all, together and on their own, try very hard. It's more that there is no such thing as being world-famous without being a little bit of an asshole.

"I'm not sure," Vanya says with a soft smile because it's nice that she cares to ask. She pivots the page (and herself) so she can have a partner in playing Sheet Music Detective. "It's definitely violin music -- you can tell by these markings in the staff." She taps them and smiles down at the page. "Most of the sheet music in regular bookstores are for piano or guitar. That's why I love these old, weird places."

She shakes her head, "sorry, I didn't mean weird as a bad thing." Her face heats up, but she recovers quicker than she would have not so long ago. Upon closer inspection, she brightens up further. "I've actually never seen these pieces before." A hand cinches around the strap at her chest, like the new discover has somehow made her violin case heavier. "There's no artist on them."